Your parent chooses their power of attorney, not the siblings. The American Bar Association calls trust the key factor, with integrity often mattering more than financial skill. Families can help by comparing who is honest, organized, available and able to keep siblings informed. The ABA also recommends naming at least one successor agent as a backup. Your parent's elder law attorney can explain co-agents and state rules.
Mom is about to move into assisted living, and someone will need to sign leases, talk to the bank and pay the monthly bill if she can't. Your brother assumes it's him because he's the oldest. Your sister lives five minutes away. You're the one who's good with spreadsheets. And nobody has asked Mom yet.
This post helps your family think about who should serve as your parent's agent. It explains the choice, the job and the options, and how to keep trust among siblings afterwards. For the documents families usually review before a move, see power of attorney before an assisted living move.
It's your parent's choice
A power of attorney is a document in which your parent names one or more people to act for them. The American Bar Association explains that it can be limited or general, can take effect right away or only if your parent becomes unable to act (a "springing" power), and can be revoked. Rules differ from state to state.
Your parent picks the agent, while they are able to make that decision. The ABA notes that if someone becomes unable to manage their affairs without one, a court may have to appoint a guardian or conservator, and the person may not get to choose who that is. That's the strongest reason to have the conversation before a crisis.
A financial power of attorney and a health care power of attorney are separate documents. The National Institute on Aging describes the second as naming a health care proxy to make medical decisions if your parent can't. Your parent can name different children for each.
This article is general information, not legal advice. Your parent's own attorney should draft and explain any power of attorney. If you need one, see when to hire an elder law attorney.
What the job actually involves
Being the agent is work with legal responsibility, not an honor. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau's guide for agents says an agent is a fiduciary with four basic duties:
- Act only in your parent's best interest.
- Manage your parent's money and property carefully.
- Keep your parent's money and property separate from your own.
- Keep good records.
The guide adds practical details. The agent must follow the document and state law, involve the parent in decisions as much as possible, sign as agent rather than in the parent's name, avoid paying expenses in cash, and keep receipts even for small amounts. An agent generally can't manage Social Security or VA benefits without a separate appointment from that agency, such as a representative payee. The guide also warns that an agent who fails these duties could be removed, sued or required to repay money.
During an assisted living move, the agent often handles the residency agreement, deposits and monthly payments, and closes out or redirects bills at the old home. That's a lot of detailed, ongoing work.
How to compare siblings
The ABA says the best choice is someone the parent trusts, and that integrity, not financial acumen, is often the most important trait. Beyond that, these questions help a family think it through. They're for discussion with your parent, not a scoring system to impose on them.
| Question | Why it matters |
|---|---|
| Who does Mom or Dad trust most with money? | Trust is the ABA's first test |
| Who keeps records without being reminded? | The CFPB expects detailed records and receipts |
| Who has time for years of this, not weeks? | The role lasts as long as the document does |
| Who will involve the parent, not decide around them? | The CFPB says to involve the parent as much as possible |
| Who can share information calmly with the other siblings? | Openness reduces distrust, according to FCA and the CFPB |
| Does anyone have a conflict of interest, such as money owed to or from the parent? | The agent must act only in the parent's interest |
| Who can easily deal with your parent's bank and other offices? | The ABA notes agents often must present the document itself to banks, brokers or title companies |
Birth order isn't on the list. Neither is who "deserves" it.
One agent, co-agents or a successor?
Families often assume that naming two siblings together is the fairest option. Look at the trade-offs first.
- One agent plus a successor. One person acts; a named backup steps in only if the first can't. The CFPB guide says a successor agent has no authority while the first agent is willing and able to act. The ABA recommends always naming one or more successors.
- Co-agents. Two or more people act together. The ABA cautions that they may not all be available when needed, or may not agree, and suggests the document say whether a majority can act. The CFPB adds that co-agents must coordinate and share information, and that each is still responsible for the parent's interests.
- Different agents for different jobs. For example, one sibling as health care proxy and another as financial agent. This can spread the load and play to strengths, but the two will need to talk often during a move, because care decisions and costs are linked.
Which setup fits your family is a question for your parent and their attorney.
Keeping trust between siblings afterwards
Most power of attorney fights between siblings are about information, not theft. Family Caregiver Alliance's sibling fact sheet tells agents to keep detailed records and send siblings statements of how the parent's money is spent, noting that openness reduces distrust. It tells the siblings who weren't chosen to accept the parent's decision rather than taking it as a personal attack.
The CFPB suggests sharing accountings or summaries with family, unless the parent has said not to. A simple monthly routine works:
- A one-page summary: money in, money out by category, anything unusual.
- Receipts in one shared folder.
- Big decisions (selling the house, changing the care level) discussed before, not after.
The record-keeping side is covered in how to track caregiving expenses as a family. If trust has already broken down, see sibling conflict over a parent's care. Stepfamilies face extra questions about who decides; see stepfamilies and a parent's move.
Make the paper trail easy for whoever is agent
Parent Move Plan schedules the documents, deposits and account changes of a move on real dates counted back from move-in day. The Complete plan adds a shared costs log and a weekly check-in agenda, so the agent's updates to siblings become routine instead of a source of suspicion.
Build your plan in 2 minutesHow to raise it with your parent
Keep the conversation about your parent's wishes, not the siblings' preferences. Give them the questions above, then step back. If your parent wants to talk it through with their attorney alone, make that easy. FCA notes families can find an attorney through the local Area Agency on Aging, a state senior legal hotline, or an attorney who focuses on elder law.
What to say:
"Dad, with the move coming up, someone may need to sign things or pay bills for you someday. It's completely your choice who that is, and whoever you pick, the rest of us will support it. Would you like to talk it over with a lawyer? We can also ask about naming a backup person."
Next step: check whether your parent already has a power of attorney. The NIA's checklist suggests keeping legal documents in one place and telling someone trusted where they are. The moving checklist puts the money conversation, and any elder law appointment, in the first week of a move.
Frequently asked questions
Does the oldest child have to be power of attorney?
No. A power of attorney names whoever the parent chooses. The American Bar Association says there are no special qualifications beyond being an adult who isn't incapacitated, and calls trust the most important factor, with integrity often mattering more than financial skill.
Can two siblings be power of attorney together?
A parent can name co-agents. The document or state law should say whether they can act alone or must agree. The American Bar Association cautions that co-agents may not all be available or may disagree, so the document should say what happens then.
What is a successor agent on a power of attorney?
A successor agent is the backup who can act if the first agent can't or won't. According to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, a successor agent has no authority while the first agent is still willing and able to act. The American Bar Association recommends naming one or more.
Can the other siblings see what the power of attorney is doing with our parent's money?
It depends on the document and state law. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau suggests agents consider sharing records or summaries with family unless the parent has said not to, because openness heads off suspicion. An elder law attorney can explain what your parent's document allows.
Sources
- American Bar Association: Power of Attorney (accessed Sept 2026)
- Consumer Financial Protection Bureau: Help for agents under a power of attorney (accessed Sept 2026)
- National Institute on Aging: Getting Your Affairs in Order Checklist (accessed Sept 2026)
- Family Caregiver Alliance: Caregiving with Your Siblings (accessed Sept 2026)
- Family Caregiver Alliance: What should I do to help get my family member's legal and financial affairs in order? (accessed Sept 2026)